Lots of time has passed. I’ve been a bad blogger. Naughty me. I had a wonderful winter, because I didn’t really have much of one. In January, Reno and I left for Asia and spent a glorious 2 months on the beach. For those of you who don’t already know, I am expecting this June. Being away in a sunny tropical climate was medicine. I embraced my pregnancy as this beautiful unexpected blessing, as I was told by doctors that having babies would be very difficult for me, if was fertile at all. It was quite a shock to learn at 11 weeks, there was a baby in there! I had been doing my regular vinyasa practise — mayurasana was even in the repertoire then.. so it was news to me I had little one now to consider as I moved forward into this new chapter. No more mayurasasna for at least 7 more months 😉
Learning that I was pregnant, all of a sudden alot of things made sense. Having no energy, food aversions, nausea — it all became clear that these were symptoms of a baby. Duh. But when a medical doctor tells you there is something wrong with you, you trust that – and it makes its way into your being. Going to Asia after the trauma of my diagnosis – then the delight of the reality was the best thing for me, for the 3 of us really. Vitamin D, romantic sunsets, fresh fruit, being in bathtub warm water and digging a pit in the sand to suntan belly down was the best medicine.
Its been a crazy ride. Basically, puberty was the last time I had experienced any “real” changes in my physical body. Despite moments of discomfort and emotions I just don’t know what to do with, It truly feels like a miracle is going on when I feel our baby spinning, swimming & dancing in my belly. Being pregnant is schooling me in how to surrender. To give up control and just trust. The faith I have in my heart that this baby is a gift. It chose to come now, at the exact right time for Reno and I to become parents… to share what we have learned and do our best and pour all our love into nurturing this new little soul.
I cannot believe I’m going to be a mother. It blows my mind. And probably will for a long time…. Maybe till my baby wants to go on dates and tells me I have no taste in music…
I feel there is alot of work I have yet to do – and I know that probably sounds selfish. I wanted to work on myself, continue to do asana, learn and play and travel and grow and accomplish things… and now there is a baby coming. I know I will have to sacrifice alot when baby comes, that it’s not about me anymore… and it hasn’t been since I found out I’m carrying this little light. I give myself up. My wish came true. When I thought I couldn’t have a baby I was very heartbroken. So, I have been mad at myself for having these feelings, I have been struggling with feelings of unpreparedness mixed with desperation! It’s been scary swimming in these waters alone, yet I know I’m not alone – every other female on the planet that has reproduced before me has probably felt the same. And don’t get me wrong, this pregnancy, has been beautiful — but I have definitely had moments where I need to take a breath.
As I approach motherhood – I am surrendering up my old self. I am learning to trust the wisdom of my own body more than I ever have. It is transformational is every sense of the word, and challenging me to see the light in all situations. I don’t think I can fully prepare for what natural childbirth will be like.. but I have an amazing partner, and I know I have a strong spirit. This feeling of confidence in kinda new too — I think it comes from all the mothers before me, passed down in my blood – through my DNA, through intuition — a mystic connection we as women have to our ancestors. I am feeling the true creative power of the mother and have an enormous feeling of gratitude and tranquility.
No matter what sensations, how much time passes and how difficult the process of giving birth will actually be – nothing can dull the anticipation of holding my baby. Already I love this little soul inside of me more than I can comprehend. I cannot wait to meet him/her.